The Real One
by Satan Abraham
Summary: All of the alternate Cronuses are fine, of course, but this one, the real one is most definitely your favorite. Crodirk. Oneshot.


The first thing you learn about trolls is that they only have an extremely weird idea of what Valentine's Day is.

Cronus, apparently, has been watching too many shitty movies and has shown up at your usual meeting place with everything that can even be thought of to be Valentines-y – balloons, candy, he's even switched out his normal white t-shirt to a dark red one. His hair looks like he didn't quite get the time to perfectly grease it, but that's okay.

You just want to know what the hell all those balloons are for.

"Dirk!" he says when he sees you, dropping everything and leaping for you. You've gotten used to this sort of thing, and to be honest, it's kind of nice to not be the clingy one in a relationship. You thought _you _were bad, but once Cronus Ampora got over the fact that he was actually in a relationship, he became the kind of overbearing partner that you mimicked during your relationship with Jake.

Cronus kisses you a few times. You eventually have to push him away. "What's all this?" you ask, watching the balloons float away. Cronus swears.

"I forgot that they float," he said. "I tried to do the flushed day… I wrote you a song."

"You did?" you ask. You didn't expect this. You can understand the shitload of chocolate that he still has, but a song? Wow. You… aren't quite sure what to think of this. You think you love it.

"Yeah, I've got it somewhere around here," he says, messing around in his jeans pocket for something. "I don't know where it went. I, um-"

"Nobody wants to listen to your glubbin' music anyway," a new voice says, and you turn to see the troll girl you gave a totally bitching high-five to right before you entered the game. Cronus frowns.

"C'mon Meenah, even though I've totally given you some space you're still trying to bring me down every chance you get?" he says, and you're really not sure what you should say, if anything. Maybe you should just stand there and look threatening. Do you look threatening? You think that you maybe do. You're about twice the size of Jake, who, sure, was a little on the small side, and you're taller and a hell of a lot more muscular than Cronus.

"You're an asshole," she says. She meets your eyes. "Hey, I could've shore-n you were cool. What glubbing happened to you?"

"Just because I'm dating Cronus?" you ask. Cronus chews on the end of his cigarette.

"Nobody with anyfin good in their head would date Toolscar," she says. Cronus winces.

"Meenah, why do you have to be so mean to sensitive people like me? I can understand if you're jealous that I'm dating Dirk and not you, but-"

She bursts out laughing. You're wondering how much of a douche your boyfriend actually is. You don't know how he is to people who have turned him down, because you never did. Turning down this weird little greaserfish never even crossed your mind.

Cronus sighs. "First you turn me down, and when I finally get over you, you pry into my personal life and try to make my matesprit think I'm a total asshole? Not cool, Meenah. I'm just tryin' to-"

Meenah turns to you. "This idiot's not worth your time. You're shore to end up sick of him eventually. When you do, call me up!"

She wanders away, hot-pink clam shell purse swinging idly. You don't have the heart to tell her that you've never really had an interest in girls, even if they were aliens and, according to Cronus, had the exact same thing as guy trolls for their genitalia.

While Meenah was here, Cronus just looked dejected, but now he looks mad. You wonder if you should leave. "You okay, bro?" you ask, and he scowls.

"She just thinks she's such hot shit, and while she is hot, I'll give her that, she's such a bitch and if I didn't want to get in her pants so much I would throw her in front of Lord English myself," he said. You blink. That was… straightforward and kind of hurtful, actually. He notices your look and grimaces. "Not that I don't like you. But, Meenah…"

You nod. You understand, sort of, but you're not really very happy with it. Boyfriend just admitted into wanting to get in some chick's pants. Great. Awesome. Fantastic.

"I mean…" he trails off. "Wow."

He doesn't say anything else.

Your Valentine's day has officially been ruined by Meenah Peixes.

[linelineline]

You try to avoid that particular part of the dreambubbles for a while. You don't want to run into Cronus, and while you run into alternate versions of him (they're nice, they'll let you make out with them and release some sexual frustration without knowing exactly what's going on) it goes well. Until he literally _leaps onto your back _while you're just wandering around.

You don't know who it is at first and whip out your katana. He yelps and lets go, slithering to the ground. You face him. He looks at you, the picture of apology.

You don't say anything.

He starts talking.

"Look Dirk, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say all that shit, it's just leftover feelings from when I was red or black or _something _for her, c'mon, please take me back, I hate having to just…" he trails off and looks up at you, eyes wide. "Please."

You can't stay mad at him. At least he's honest with you.

You take a step toward him. He keeps looking at you, hopeful. He wants you to kiss him and you want to kiss him, you want to kiss him _so bad_, but you don't know if you should, you don't know if…

Ah, fuck it. He's dead. You're immortal. The situation couldn't be any less weird, why not just kiss the damn troll when you want to?

You kiss him and he responds quickly, kissing back with vigor and tongue. You break the kiss and lead him into a forested area just a little bit to your right – it seems like it's secluded enough, and you haven't made out outside in a while and from what you remember it was pretty nice.

You push him up against a tree and kiss him, pushing your hands under his shirt and over his gills. They produce the same reaction they always do – shivering and his bulge fighting for a way loose of his constricting jeans. You can feel it writhing around in there.

Those alternate Cronuses were nice, but this one, the real one… this one's your favorite.

He slips his hands into the back of your pantaloons and feels your ass. He's always been good with his hands, and his tongue, and right now you really wish it was his tongue down there instead of his hands, but beggars can't be choosers and you'll take any bit of Cronus you can get.

You match his enthusiasm, deciding to get rid of his shirt. You practically rip it off of his body and nip at his collarbone and enjoy the feeling of him pressed up against you, moaning and writhing and making enough noise to draw everyone in the next three dreambubbles to you.

He retaliates by yanking down your pantaloons and underwear, breaking away from your kisses and kneeling. Your dick is already hard, and when he slips his mouth around it, using that magical tongue in the way only he seems to know, you know you're not going to last long. He licks and sucks and teases you, all the way, you're shaking and breathing hard and one of your hands is clutching one of his horns and _fuck_ you just came in his mouth. He chokes a little, leaning away and spitting it out and you don't blame him, it's pretty goddam gross.

"You win," you say through gritted teeth. He grins and hops to his feet.

"We good again?" he asks. You, who have just been given the most amazing blowjob of your life by a douchey fish alien, are at somewhat of a loss for words. You just nod.

* * *

**ah yes the most exciting part of my family get-together trying to write my crodirk while little cousins played in the background, half of them being able to read it was an interesting night**

**but yeah here have more mindless smut of my sadly mostly fic-less otp I don't think I've ever written a crodirk without something m-rated happening and it's like the only m-rated fanfictions i have are crodirk this is a weird pairing**


End file.
